Hideous Penguin Boy vs. Really Big Head

Say hi.

2008-10-14T14:03:00.002-04:00

After the death of Patches, Mom waited about a week. Then she went and got a new kitten. That's him shortly thereafter. He's cute and frisky. Forgot his name, though, because I am dumb sometimes. I'll ask Mom.

Sorry, kids. Better luck next time.

2008-09-10T23:32:00.002-04:00

There's a fairly large college campus down the street from my workplace. Thus, you can always tell when classes have started up again because you start seeing newer, younger faces... and the occasional fake ID from some kid who hasn't heard from his buddies that hey, that stores will keep your shit so don't bother. I've confiscated two in the last four days alone, which is pretty unusual considering we can go a couple of months without seeing one. One of them was flawed but very good as far as these things go and would probably pass muster in 98 of 100 tries. The other... well, not so good. One of the shitty cheap-looking "Non-Government ID Card" dealies you can pick up on the streets of NYC for fifty to a hundred bucks. I always feel sorry for kids who carry those around -- it's like they didn't realize they were buying a big sticker for their forehead that reads SUCKER in big red print.

Nostalgia

2008-09-07T12:32:00.002-04:00

I purchased Slayer's Reign in Blood on CD the other day. Hadn't heard it since my days as a metal-shirt-wearing pimple-faced teenager, so I was impressed to realize it's even better than I remember it being -- an exemplary example of music as blunt-force trauma. Nice to know the things you liked as a kid don't always end up sucking. (Counterpoint: "Lightning Crashes" is playing on XM radio right now. I used to like this song. What an idiot I was.)

Ups and downs

2008-09-05T00:27:00.003-04:00

Replace "car" with "guy" and you'll have what I did over the Labor Day Weekend. Five hours up, four hours down. Pretty good for someone who hadn't hiked anywhere in about ten years.

This is an old picture of my cat Patches. I got home from New Hampshire to find a message on my cell phone from my mother saying that she (the cat, not Mom) had gone into renal failure. She died on Tuesday at the age of 11.

It's not "DRINK COKE," but...

2008-07-15T16:07:00.003-04:00

Shmaltz Brewing, the guys behind HeBrew beer (kosher and delicious!), have started a new venture called Coney Island Lager. I'm sure the beer is great, and I admire their reasons for doing it -- some of the proceeds are going to a charitable organization dedicated to supporting, as they put it, "lost forms of American popular arts and culture." But... well, take a look at the labels. When I look at the one in the middle and the one on the right, I'm suddenly not thinking about beer anymore.

Holiday snaps

2008-05-06T12:03:00.001-04:00

During my two weeks in California recently, I...

* Toured Santa Barbara wine country, hit five wineries in two days and spent way more money than I really should have spent.

* Finished two books.

* Went to Disneyland for the first time in ten years and was reminded of how much fun that place is.

* Performed best-man duties at a wedding, including a well-received toast that mentioned coffee shops, missing cufflinks and largemouth bass juggling.

* Ate more burgers in two weeks than I have in the last five years. (I'm so glad that there are no In-N-Out Burger locations in New York, otherwise I'd weigh 400 pounds.)

* Turned one year older and celebrated by catching up with family while consuming my grandmother's spectacularly tasty key lime pie.

* Encountered the elusive Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon in public. Twice.

* Got my wife hooked on cheese plates.

* Walked around Ventura in a half-drunk stupor at 2 AM looking for something to eat before realizing that nothing in Ventura is open past midnight.

* Helped arrange/attended a bachelor party in which I witnessed a man vomiting on a stripper. Which was kind of the most amazing thing ever, even more so because she shrugged it off and hung out to dance some more.

All in all, a decent time was had.

That'll stick.

2008-05-03T19:22:00.003-04:00

I just realized that the woman who cuts my hair has a daughter who works with her. Her daughter looks like Sativa Rose. Thinking about this while her mother has scissors to your head is just a cornucopia of mixed emotions.

FAWESOME.

2008-03-21T08:11:00.002-04:00

According to the latest Criterion newsletter, they're getting into the Guy Maddin business. A little spotted mousie told me so. Odds are that it's Careful, but I can't help but think it'd be super if it turned out to be Brand Upon the Brain!.

Even a blind squirrel...

2008-03-16T14:50:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you quite possibly the only funny LOLcat in existence.

Unforeseen expenses

2008-03-14T11:17:00.002-04:00

So I recently spent $114 on a bottle of beer. No, really.

Here's what happened: My father-in-law was helping remodel the bathroom in the apartment where my wife and I currently reside. During the work, he apparently developed a powerful thirst that could only be slaked by beer. He goes into the fridge and pulls out a beer. Later, I show up to get a couple of things from the apartment. He tells me, "Hey, this beer was pretty good," and hands me an empty bottle.

An empty bottle of Stone Vertical Epic Ale 2003.

See, we weren't staying in the apartment during the remodeling, and because of that, I wasn't keeping any cold beer handy. The only thing in the fridge, buried way in the back, was my Vertical Epic collection. Furthermore, while I have backup bottles on the '06 and '07, I had no such moment of foresight for the older vintages. So that's how a bottle that cost me seven bucks when I bought it five years ago set me back three figures when I replaced it via the magic of eBay.

I can't complain too much, though. I did get a free bathroom out of it.

And I wonder why I'm goofy for her.

2008-02-13T23:52:00.002-05:00

Instead of traditional hearts-and-flowers stuff, my wife decided for Valentine's Day to buy me something that:

A) I would really, really love

B) We would both enjoy.

So she gets me the "All My Stuff" George Carlin DVD stand-up boxed set. Best. Gift. Ever.

More music here: Another Stennie mix

2008-02-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

For the second time, I've sent off a CD to be used in Stennie's CD Mix Challenge. As the stellar mixes I've received thus far can attest, my disc is still something of the black sheep of the participants in terms of taste. But there's nothing wrong with that. (People seem to be liking it, at any rate.) Here's what was on that mystery disc. (NOTE: Commentary on thought process to come later when I'm not sleepy.)

1. Sellout (a song that is used or has been used in a TV commercial): The Butthole Surfers, "Who Was in My Room Last Night"

2. A song that’s in a foreign language: Einstuzende Neubauten, "Musentango"

3. A song about cheating: The North Atlantic, "Scientist Girl"

4. Song that makes you cry: Dead Can Dance, "The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove"

5. B-side: Drive Like Jehu, "Bullet Train to Vegas"

6. Kick-ass cover song: Revolting Cocks, "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?"

7. Earworm: Straylight Run, "It Never Gets Easier"

8. A favorite live track: Frank Zappa, "Approximate"

9. Title out of nowhere (a song in which the title does not appear in the lyrics at all): Sincebyman, "Who Would I Be Without My Middle Finger"

10. A favorite song you have discovered since our last CD Mix: El-P featuring Cage, "Habeas Corpses (Draconian Love)"

11. Favorite artist duo collaboration: Diamanda Galas & John Paul Jones, "Do You Take This Man"

12. Geographical location song (any song that mentions a geographical place): Modest Mouse, "Teeth Like God's Shoeshine"

13. Musical question...: Filter, "Where Do We Go From Here?"

14. And answer!: Therapy?, "Nowhere"

15. Four-letter word (a song whose title consists solely of a four-letter word): Tad, "Jack"

16. Seven Deadly Sins (a song about any one of the Seven Deadly Sins): Cursive, "Bad Sects"

17. A song you wouldn’t play in front of your Mom: Grinderman, "No Pussy Blues"

18. Song about violence and/or death: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, "Jangling Jack"

19. Guilty pleasure song: The Left Rights, "Take a Shit"

20. Amnesty Song - with a twist! A song that fits any two of the categories above. Rilo Kiley, "Does He Love You?"

Audio/visual violence, hooray!

2008-02-02T10:27:00.000-05:00

So let's try to put some life back into this hospital ward.

The third annual Onion AV Club Reader's Poll was posted yesterday. Got one quote in this year, which is less than previous years, but the competition appears to have been much stiffer. So I'm not complaining. If you're interested, though, here's my full ballot.

(BONUS: Of these five capsules, I despise one of them. See if you can guess which one!)

1) Considering how many fine films were released in 2007, it seems unusual that the most emotionally and aesthetically fulfilling movie of the year should be a cartoon about a hungry rat. But it seems appropriate for the delightful Ratatouille, considering its claim that genius can come from anywhere. Leave it to Brad Bird and the Pixar team, the latter setting themselves right after the noisy debacle of Cars, to take an unappetizing premise (rat! in the kitchen! ew!) and invest it with enough heart, soul, energy and visual beauty to make it a richly satisfying experience -- a souffle with substance. The defense of careful, quality work in a world overrun and cheapened by cash-grab mediocrity is stirring, as it's obviously a subject close to the hearts of its makers (one can imagine Skinner as a surrogate for Jeffery Katzenberg, trading on the cache of experience in the house of a master to kickstart a career peddling bland, empty-calorie crud); what impresses most, though, is the way that Bird uses the American perception of animation as kid stuff to his thematic advantage. With food as his metaphor and Anton Ego as his vessel, Bird puts forth a consideration of the simple loves that start many of us on the road to cinephilia.

2) "Directed by Ben Affleck." The phrase on first blush sounds like a ready-made punchline, a Hollywood version of "Take my wife... please!" You mean somebody gave money to Ben Affleck, the guy who smirked his way through Jersey Girl, Armageddon and a host of other embarrassments, and let him stand behind a camera telling other people how to act? It is to laugh. But on the evidence of the terrific, devastating Gone Baby Gone, the last laugh belongs to Ben. He's no Kubrick, but his direction is confident and unobtrusive, with his main asset being a willingness to stay out of the way of the material. And what material! The screenplay, from the novel by Dennis Lehane, starts as a blue-collar noir gloss but deepens and evolves into something much thornier. In the lead, Ben's brother Casey uses his natural boyish vulnerability to suggest a man used to being underestimated and used to surprising people with his spine of steel. Amy Ryan, as the world's worst mother, deserves all the accolades she's been getting, but Affleck the Younger has the toughest role -- a model of moral certitude in a world where certitude is useless and the right answer can still be the wrong answer -- and he's just as stellar. So Ben Affleck directed a film. And that's a good thing.

3) Presumably, Amir Bar-Lev had no idea what he was getting into when he started filming the Olmstead family. He just wanted a solid, likeable film about a child prodigy that maybe got people thinking about the function and meaning of abstract art. Instead, he ended up with My Kid Could Paint That, a fascinating, troubling portrait of media frenzy and the desire for narrative in everyday life. When it comes out that 4-year-old sensation Marla Olmstead may not be the sole author of her work, the film explodes in a dozen different directions. What was a feel-good fluff story becomes a war between embattled parents desperate to prove themselves and a hungry media beast that is perfectly willing to send these people up the river if it means a story. Bar-Lev gets caught in the middle as both a friend and a filmmaker (journalistic distance goes out the window), and there comes a point when it's made clear that he's contributing to the misery just as much as everyone else. In the thicket of denials and accusations rings out the question: Why do we poke and prod at seemingly innocent things, why do we invade? What's to be gained from tearing apart a kid? The answer: We need to have our stories, and the guys who feed them to us need to find ways to keep us interested. It's a hellish vicious cycle, and Bar-Lev is there to capture a textbook example.

4) It's such a perfect marriage that I wonder why it was never conjured up before: the gore film and the musical, together at last! Both genres revel in their own artificiality, and they're both similarly hyperbolic in regards to big production setpieces. What I mean to say is that it was only a matter of time before we got a film like Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I know nothing of Sondheim's original stage play, but I do know that Tim Burton's adaptation of said stage play is a rip-roaring exercise in bombastic Grand Guignol. The cast doesn't have the most adept singing voices (especially you, Alan Rickman... sorry), but they sell the emotions with ease. Johnnie Depp in particular gives a strange and compelling performance that engenders bits of sympathy for the psychotic Todd even as I recognize there's not much sympathetic about him. (Revenge is fine and dandy, but taking it bit far, aren't we?) Meanwhile, Burton's tendencies towards extravagance and atmosphere at the expense of narrative are used all for good this time around -- he's got existing material to work with, and instead of tinkering with the source, he merely built a world around it. The threatening vertical compositions of the sets and the grimy color scheme, all grays and blacks occasionally ripped asunder by fonts of crimson, make the London of Todd feel less like a city and more like a stopover on the way to Hell. Most important, though, is that unlike some other stage-to-screen transpositions, Todd feels like a goddamned movie. A mad, bloody, dank, funny and ferociously entertaining movie, no less. The wait? So worth it.

5) What does it mean to sacrifice everything for a cause? Julia Loktev's disturbingly intimate drama Day Night Day Night traces the path of a nameless young woman, played by Luisa Williams in the year's best performance, as she prepares to become a suicide bomber in Times Square. Loktev builds tension and discomfort through creative use of sound and screen space; her framing is tight (some early tracking shots feel like the camera is trying to climb over the back of Williams's head), yet she leaves enough screen space to emphasize the isolation of her subject relative to those around her and the world at large. The situation she's conjured is horrifying, yet Loktev utilizes stillness as a way into a character who is ready to do something most of us would never consider. It's a striking feat of direction, but it wouldn't be half as effective without Williams, whose performance is like a master class in minimalism. She accomplishes more with an unwavering stare than most actors can do with reams of dialogue. In preparation for the mission, her character sheds personal attachments, possessions and her own identity (it's no coincidence that her handlers are all hooded, rendering them literally faceless), yet Williams lets us catch glimpses of the tremulous doubt beneath the placid, accepting exterior. (Key line: "Would you please eat with me? I don't want to eat alone.") The ending, as hard a kick in the gut as any film packed this year, asks us to consider if giving up everything might also entail losing things that were never meant to be lost. Solitude's a motherfucker.

Maybe that's why her smile is so wide.

2007-12-13T00:10:00.000-05:00

I can't be the only one who looks at Rachael Ray and thinks that, beneath the benign exterior and the carefully-cultivated chipper-cheerful homemaker persona, there's the roiling fire of a ravenous sex demon. It's something in the eyes, I think.

Think about the future!

2007-10-06T15:59:00.000-04:00

We're all in agreement that the zombies are coming, right? I'm rational enough to accept that I'll probably be bitten and turned at some point. And when I do turn, I hope that I'll have enough free will left in me to, as my first zombie action, eat Adam Levine's brains. Assuming he has any brains, that is.

Manners and the lack thereof

2007-10-06T12:25:00.000-04:00

A thought inspired by a conversation had recently with a clerk at Trader Joe's with whom I'm friendly:

Seriously, can somebody please explain to me what the fucking fascination is with touching the bellies of pregnant women? You people wouldn't want a stranger walking up and slapping you on the ass. Yet otherwise rational, polite people will think nothing of walking up to expectant mothers and giving their swollen stomachs a rub. Is that your stomach? Your baby? If it isn't, don't fucking touch it. You're making the woman very uncomfortable and making yourself look like a thoughtless jackass.

I also did this.

2007-09-04T11:19:00.000-04:00

7/29/07, bitches! Hell of a day, it was. More fun pictures when I return from Toronto, 'kay?

Michael Haneke: Not George Sluizer

2007-08-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

I've been on the fence about the upcoming American remake of Michael Haneke's infamous post-modern home invasion film Funny Games. On one hand, if anyone is going to remake it, Haneke should be the guy to do it, and it struck me as a good sign that he was indeed at the helm. On the other hand, there would certainly have to be compromises made to Haneke's uncompromisingly nasty scenario. Surely, at least, the video scene would have been altered.

So much for that. According to someone who's seen it, Haneke's attitude was along the lines of, "I'm changing nothing and go fuck yourself if you don't like it." Funny Games a la America is, by this report, the same vicious, thorny audience-baiting treatise on media violence that its Austrian counterpart was.

Of course, that brings up a new question: Does that make the remake more valid or completely superfluous?

Hunger

2007-08-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

I have found in recent years that there's few things more satisfying to me than a good sandwich. Spurred by hunger and a burst of creativity, I just crafted an epic sandwich. I started with rye bread, upon which I spread a small amount of a garlic-balsamic mustard I picked up when visiting a local brewery recently. Instead of lettuce (which I don't have in house anyway), I then added two leaves of fresh basil. Upon that, I added a couple small slices of jalapeno pepper. For the meat, I used a honey-glazed turkey, and for the cheese I used a good pepper Jack. At the last second, I also added a dash of fresh parsley.

Result? Jesus, this thing is tasty. So I'm eating that while heading into the final hour of Yi Yi, which is as great as everyone keeps saying it is. Life is pretty fuckin' keen right now.

Dude, I need money with a quickness

2007-08-15T23:01:00.000-04:00

Why? So I can hop on the next plane to Edinburgh and see the play that has this catchy little ditty. This HAS to come to New York. I will sell slaving rights to my firstborn if that's what it will take to get this to come to New York.

The HELL?

2007-08-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

Would anyone have any idea why there were so many people doing a search on the term "ageless dwarf" yesterday? The OCE got 100 hits from 100 different IP addresses and three different search engines on the term "ageless dwarf," thanks to my review of I Will Walk Like a Crazy Horse. Is there some sort of 'Net scavenger hunt going on? Is this possibly related to Cloverfield? Seriously, if somebody knows something, please enlighten me. It's fuckin' weird, maaaaan...

I don't know why I'm so excited over this...

2007-08-06T09:02:00.000-04:00

Considering the man's done nothing but disappoint me for the last twenty years, but...

OMIGOD ARGENTO'S "MOTHER OF TEARS" IS SCREENING AT TORONTO OMIGOD OMIGOD EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

How did your weekend go mine had its moments kthxbye

2007-08-02T21:11:00.000-04:00

O cursed spite! (plus Music Time!)

2007-07-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

So apparently, I'm one of maybe two people on the whole Internets that realizes that El-P, in his song "T.O.J." off his extraordinary album Fantastic Damage, isn't rapping that "the time is out of joy." Bone up on your fucking Hamlet, people, before you look even stupider. (Seriously, if you're familiar -- at all -- with El-P, the bastardizations of his lyrics on various lyric sites, all of which seem to be working from the same crib sheets, are bloody embarrassing. He's difficult to understand at times, but not by THIS much.)

Speaking of... here's a song I've been meaning to post up for a while: "Poisonville Kids No Wins/Reprise" by El-P. It's the closing track off his new album I'll Sleep When You're Dead (best album of the year so far, for what it's worth), and like much of his work, it alternates cryptic, intelligent wordplay with beats and music that manages to be both dense and catchy. The main reason I want y'all to hear this, though, is just so you can understand why I think we should all lobby to get El-P to write the theme song to the next Bond film. And no, I'm not joking. Take a listen, even if you think you don't like hip-hop.

Laugh? I thought I'd die...

2007-07-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Upon listening to the new Patton Oswalt CD Werewolves and Lollipops, I was surprised to find that Oswalt has discovered maybe the three funniest words in the English language: "Jon Voight's ballsack."

Seriously -- when listening to the routine that used that particular punchline, I damn near had to pull over to keep from wrecking my car, I was laughing so hard. Right now, I'm shamefully giggling just thinking about it.

James Taylor says "motherfucker" for the big boys now

2007-07-12T21:29:00.000-04:00

This just in: If I have the clue in the latest Criterion newsletter figured correctly, a few months down the line we should be seeing a brand-spanking new Criterion Collection DVD of Two-Lane Blacktop. AWESOME.

So TIFF begins...

2007-07-10T22:37:00.000-04:00

So I've got my fest pass. I've got my hotel. I am locked and goddamn loaded for Toronto. Hell yeah!

So who all else is ready? I know Paul and Girish will be there...

A few pop-culture one-liners

2007-06-13T02:49:00.000-04:00

- To all of you complaining about the abrupt last scene in the Sopranos finale: Y'all are stupid.

- To all of you surprised by the low draw for Hostel II: Y'all are stupid. The first one was a hit almost solely because it was released on a light week in January; sending the sequel out in the thick of summer was tantamount to burying it. Did Lion's Gate learn nothing from The Devil's Rejects?

- I found out the other day that the driving, slightly funky song I'd heard and enjoyed several times on the local pop radio station is "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" by Fall Out Boy. I'm surprised and a little ashamed, honestly.

- Now that Paris Hilton has found God, can we stop paying attention to her every move just in case we catch her being rude, mean, stupid or generally unpleasant?

Annoyance on cotton

2007-06-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

I was driving to work today when I saw a guy walking on the side of the road. He was wearing a T-shirt that apparently expressed his views on the very thorny political and economic issue of immigration as eloquently as he was able: "America Is Full."

I was tempted to roll down the window and ask him if his T-shirt was made in China.

Music time!

2007-06-04T21:31:00.000-04:00

A couple of you were wondering, whence the title change? I wish there was a profound reason for it, but there isn't. It doesn't really mean much of anything except that I like it. And, like most of my creative endeavors, it was inspired by a song.

The song in this case is "Giant Swan" by The Blood Brothers, the final track on their album Young Machetes (my favorite album of 2006). It's pretty awesome stuff -- the buildup on it is great, with the subsequent aggression hiding a weary sense of resignment and the sneaking suspicion that nothing is going to be okay. I'm a bit obsessed with it right now; thus, the changeover.

But don't take my word for it -- check it out for yourself. No, seriously -- take a listen. (Fair warning: If you're averse to noise and screaming, you may want to pass this one by.)

Final note: I'm just perverse enough to recognize that trying to nail this at a karaoke bar would, for me at least, be tons of fun.

Exchange of the day

2007-06-02T13:15:00.000-04:00

"So does Rob Zombie smell as bad as he looks like he would?"
"No, actually -- he kinda smells like, what's that Irish stuff..."
"Irish Spring? Rob Zombie smells like Irish Spring?"
"Yeah. Well, his hair, anyway."
"That's awesome. Rob Zombie smells like Irish Spring!"

Free script idea!

2007-05-21T21:58:00.000-04:00

Somebody should write a Tom Waits biopic and slip a copy to Ron Perlman. I generally don't like biopics, but I'd love to see that one.

NO. FUCKING. WAY.

2007-05-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

This just in: Mike D'Angelo, he of the insane (and possibly brilliant) anti-hype Cannes experiment, in which he is seeing everything blind, just gave Carlos Reygadas's new film Silent Light an A.

Seriously. Check it out. Remember that he hated both Japón and Battle in Heaven (the latter being a film I admire as much as one can admire a film without actually liking it). I now want to see this Silent Light thing more than any other film coming out this year (with the possible exception of the sure-to-be-amazing No Country for Old Men).

Looks like MD'A is having a pretty good Cannes, don't it?

Promotion of the self and others, all in one breath

2007-05-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

Adam Ross has been running a weekly feature he calls the Friday Screen Test for a few months now, in which he puts ten random questions to film bloggers he finds worthwhile and posts the answers on his fine site DVD Panache, thus giving an overview of the mindset of said blogger while simultaneously expanding on what is slowly but surely turning into a pretty impressive canon of online talent.

The other day, he was nice enough to approach me, and in my sluggish and procrastinatory way, I eventually answered. The results went up this past Friday. I think they're pretty fun, though I kinda wish I'd answered in complete sentences and not fragments. Oh well, what the hell... (While you're there, give a look-see to the previous Friday Screen Tests -- some good people, including a few I consider friends, have run Adam's gauntlet.)

In other news, I was lucky enough to get a taste of a wine from 1908. Hey-sannah, Hossanah!

Return of the son of radio silence

2007-05-16T16:24:00.000-04:00

Due to increased commitments (both work-related and otherwise), y'all may have noticed a significant decline in my output. Things are starting to settle down again, but not by much -- so things may continue to be sporadic through July. Bear with me, this'll all get righted eventually. (To all those to whom I owe e-mails and/or reviews: Sorry I haven't gotten on it sooner. We're fixing that, promise.)

Since when does she have a sense of humor?

2007-04-04T00:06:00.000-04:00

This is the best thing Alanis Morrisette has ever done ever. I know that's not saying much, and the point's made well before it's over, but it still cracked me the hell up.

A quick commercial interruption

2007-03-31T01:34:00.000-04:00

Breasts: They do a body good. Hooray for breasts!

Matchmaker, matchmaker...

2007-03-27T00:06:00.000-04:00

It's bizarre, the way life works out sometimes. I'm currently tits-over-tail for a girl I met several months ago. We were introduced by a mutual friend, so that's the easy way to explain how we met. There is, of course, a convoluted chain of events that had to happen as they did for us to meet. Thinking on the particular significant bits of it all, it's amazing and amusing in equal measure. I could go into great detail, but I've found that there's a much simpler way to explain it:

I owe my current romantic situation to Leni Riefenstahl, George Lucas and Kevin Smith.

One of the most important things I've ever learned in life

2007-03-17T02:08:00.000-04:00

Cars have multiple gears. Even on an automatic transmission (which is what I'm rocking), there's gears beyond Drive. This is a good thing to know in the Northeast. You'd be surprised how many people don't know this. You usually find them in ditches on snow days.

Blizzard schmizzard

2007-02-14T10:14:00.000-05:00

All I have to say is: Dude, where's my fucking storm? Sleet and hail aren't enough to get me out of work, goddammit. This sucks.

[UPDATE, 12:53 PM: Okay, I'm home. Roads are ugly. Store's closing at one. Bitching no longer relevant.]

Break out the bubbly for the Brand-New Beeson

2007-02-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

Laura Mae Beeson, that is -- the factory-fresh bundle o' joy born to cinephile/friend Kent Beeson and his wife. First picture is right here. (Sort of, anyway.)

Dude, if I had a cigar, I would totally smoke it right now. Congrats to you and your lovely wife.

(UPDATE: And here's the first head shot. Awesome.)

Things change

2007-02-12T19:17:00.000-05:00

Some months ago, I mentioned to the Seattle cinephile contingent that I was making it my goal to get out for the Seattle International Film Festival in '07. Looking at my financial situation right now, that's going to have to be kiboshed -- the last few months have been rough, to say the least. So that's not going to happen.

However, one closed door often points towards another opening one. As it turns out, I'm through the worst of the monetary hellsuck. What's more, my boss's wife recently discovered she's pregnant with her second child. As such, my boss has informed me that he's going to take his vacation in April rather than September this year, being that September would be far too close to the date of natal delivery. What does this mean for me? It means that, for the first time in seven years, a possibility for a September vacation is open. I think we all know what happens in September: THE FUCKING TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL. And I just might be able to save up enough to do it up right. It may be my only chance to get to TIFF, so goddammit, I'm doing it. At least, that's the plan for now... wish me luck...

Anybody got a backhoe?

2007-01-13T12:03:00.000-05:00

It's official: My review backlog is way too goddamn long. I am currently twenty-six films in the hole. Twenty-bloody-six. Jesus.

Uh-oh....

2007-01-03T17:11:00.000-05:00

On New year's Day, I was able to confirm a suspicion I've had for some time now: My unassuming, inexpensive portable DVD player (a Mintek, in a model version no longer made) is apparently not bothered by region coding or video formatting. I've thrown a region-free PAL disc and a region 2 PAL disc at it, and it gladly played both discs, no problem. I may have to experiment a bit more (a region 3 disc, maybe), but right now, it looks like I've unknowingly owned a region-free player for about a year now.

Mercy me, I'm gonna be in trouble.

Spreading music via Internet memes: A mix

2006-12-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

So I got tapped to participate in Stennie's latest CD mix challenge. Given the nature of the playlists that have been posted so far, I'm guessing that some of the material on my mix is going to stray a bit afield from the other participants. Hey, variety is the spice of life and all that, right? Anyway, here's what I sent, along with various thoughts about the songs.

1. First song (on the first side) of the first album you ever purchased: Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

I know, if you're of a certain age, that's unforgiveably cliche. But it's true -- Nevermind was the first album the greasy-haired youth who would become me ever purchased. I'd gotten a thing or two as a gift* in prior years, but Nirvana's breakthrough album represents the first time I ever walked up to a music-store counter, money in hand, and walked out with a tape. It started a sickness for purchasing and listening to music (especially louder stuff) that has only festered to this day. Thanks, Kurt. (Incidentally, Kurt Cobain's body was discovered on my birthday. Now that's a way for a superfan to lose his innocence, no?)

2. Holiday song, for the holiday of your choice: The Rugburns, "I Hate Christmas"

A gloriously cantankerous swan song for the alt-country jokers, this shows up as a hidden track at the end of their mediocre disappointment Taking the World by Donkey. I used to think the title was "I Hate Fuckin' Christmas" until iTunes told me otherwise, if that says anything.

3. Geographical location song: Jello Biafra & D.O.A., "Wish I Was in El Salvador"

Jello ragging on the cops while D.O.A. churns and thrashes behind him. What's interesting about this is that, while it's a standard snotty protest song, Jello briefly (and probably inadvertantly) taps into a lot of the resentment and anger that leads to the creation of uniformed mini-Hitlers like Darryl Gates and Justin Volpe: "I stare at you and smolder with my nightstick and my shield / Little kids throw rocks at me, their moms call me a pig." Also, it just plum rocks my socks, especially the "people are pouring into the streets" interlude.

4. A medley: The Pogues, "Medley: The Recruiting Sergeant/The Rocky Road to Dublin/Galway Races"

Well, yeah. It says 'medley' right there in the title. How could I not, etc.

5. A dance song: Dwight Yoakam, "The Loco-Motion"

Stumbled across this on iTunes, and do I even need to explain? It's Dwight Yoakam. Singing "The Loco-Motion." Somewhere in there, I think the meaning of life can be found.

6. Song with a woman’s name in the title: PJ Harvey, "Me-Jane"

My favorite track off PJ's seminal Rid of Me, back when her gender politics were considerably more caustic than they are now. Shame about the hollow Steve Albini production (the future didn't belong to the analog loyalists after all), but it still rips.

7. Song you would like to have played at your funeral: The Arcade Fire, "Wake Up"

God, listen to it soar! Every time I hear Win Butler shriek, "I guess we'll just have to adjust," I get goosebumps. I've been listening to this album a lot lately.

8. Song by your friend’s band: Rat Byte, "Fun"

Connecticut hardcore skatepunk. It's fast, it's loud, and it's over pretty quick. I saw these guys play about two feet from me in a record store once. Their entire catalog took them about six minutes to play.

9. A drinking song: The Reverend Horton Heat, "Beer:30"

Some drinking songs are wallows and some are celebrations; this is the latter. The Reverend has a lot to choose from on this count, but this, off his early The Full-Custom Gospel Sounds Of... (an album that, IMO, he never topped), is probably my favorite. It's a boogie-woogie number that makes you want to do what the song tells you to do: party, get naked and throw furniture.

10. Kickass cover song - with a twist! Okay, here’s the guidelines on this one: For this round of kick-ass cover songs, I want to hear the lesser-known original version of a song that’s better known for its cover: Robert Johnson, "Traveling Riverside Blues"

Led Zeppelin later 'borrowed' this (as they did with much of Johnson's catalogue) and turned it into "The Lemon Song," but I think I prefer the original. It's done with a wink rather than a bucket of sleaze.

11. Song with a man’s name in the title: Mclusky, "Alan Is a Cowboy Killer"

These guys were poised to be the new heroes of fierce, dangerous rock 'n' roll. Then they broke up. Damn. Andy Falkous wrote some of the best lyrics ever, and they're all the more fun for the fact that half the time they don't mean a goddamn thing.

12. B-side: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine, "Re-Educating Rita"

The two incurable wiseacres who comprised Carter USM were one of the most consistent songwriting teams in modern rock -- their B-sides (of which there were many) were often just as good if not better then their album tracks. (They knew it, too -- check out how many of their B-sides became concert standards.) This was probably their most popular B-side. Appearing initially on the "Bloodsport for All" single, it's a fizzy, buzzy bit of the band's trademark electropunk. I could have also used the astonishing "Glam Rock Cops" here, but I've used that on too many mixes lately.

13. Song about the weather: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, "Tupelo"

The two obsessions that fueled the early stages of Cave's career -- God and Elvis -- get sewn together here in this tale of The King being born in "a clapboard shack with a roof of tin" during a Biblical downpour. This song makes you feel wet inside your bones.

14. Musical question—that is, a song with a question for its title: Cop Shoot Cop, "Where's the Money?"

Not so much a song as a brief sound collage. Yeah, I kinda cheated on this one, but give me a break -- I was running low on space. If you genuinely feel screwed out of a song, download "Does He Love You?" by Rilo Kiley, which is what I would have put here.

15. Your Cheatin’ Heart—a song about cheating: The Afghan Whigs, "Now You Know"

It's only track nine of eleven on the band's masterpiece Gentlemen, but it certainly feels like the climactic moment. (The last two songs, a cover and an instrumental, might as well be epilogues.) Taking the role of a cheating cad, Greg Dulli's lyrics and delivery might seem unforgiveably callous ("Bit into a rotten one, now didn't you? / I can watch you chew it up"), but it's what he's not saying that is as important as what he is saying. Underneath the snidery and the taunting of this poor girl for being foolish enough to get involved with Dulli is the implicit, painful admission: I'm no good as a human being, and this girl probably deserves better than I. And in the context of the album, its scorched-earth rhythms and all-inclusive castigation seems only appropriate: The war of the sexes is over and both sides are losers. The most bilious expression of Dulli's fucking-and-getting-fucked aesthetic.

16. Song about violence and/or death: Okkervil River, "Westfall"

I really, really wanted to use Nick Cave's gleefully sadistic psycho-polka tune "The Curse of Millhaven" here, but I'm not one to repeat myself. So instead I went with this chilling country-tinged dirge about a boy who is not like you or I. The lulling jangle of the tune only makes the left turn it takes halfway in punch that much harder; the closing marathon moan of "Evil don't look like anything" could cause a sleepless night or two.

17. Song you like by a band or artist you normally can’t stand: Rob Thomas, "This Is How a Heart Breaks"

I find Matchbox Twenty audio vanilla of the worst sort (mopey, whiny, seems crafted just to make girls think the lead singer is a sensitive soul), so the idea of a Rob Thomas solo project excited me about as much as a proctology exam might. Cut to a couple months later, when the second single (after the ubiquitous "Lonely No More") drops, and suddenly it's stuck in my head. And I'm liking it. It's altogether peppier, groovier and more alive than anything he's ever done before. Rob Thomas is still something of a pantywaist, but for the near-four minutes that "This Is How a Heart Breaks" spans, he's also something else: a genuine goddamn rock star.

18. Song you like to play air guitar to: Karma to Burn, "Thirty-Two"

Three guys from Virginia and a whole buncha monster riffs. Air guitar was invented for stuff like this.

19. Amnesty Song—any song you wanted to use in this or either of the previous mixes, but were unable to fit in anywhere: Aesop Rock, "Battery"

Mainly because I had to work a hip-hop song on somewhere, and what better use of the Free Space category than the best track of what might be the best album (not just hip-hop album but album period) of the decade? I love this moody little number with all of my heart, and it contains maybe my favorite hip-hop lyric ever: "There's smoke in my iris / But I painted a sunny day on the insides of my eyelids." Hip-hop is the new poetry. Love it.

20. Last song (on the last side) of your favorite album of all time: Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention, "The Chrome-Plated Megaphone of Destiny"

We're Only in it for the Money is not only the best rock album ever recorded, it is possibly the best rock album that will ever be recorded. Full stop.

So there it is. We'll see if I get invited back for the next round... :-)
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(*The first tape I ever owned was Door to Door by The Cars. Shut up. No, seriously, shut up. I hear you laughing.)

Perhaps vampires is a bit strong, but...

2006-11-17T01:35:00.000-05:00

If there are any funeral directors in my reading audience, perhaps one of them will be kind enough to explain to me why it should cost ten grand just to plant a loved one into the ground. Seems to me like a rather callous time to start price-gouging, no?

When I die, I want whoever is around to just grab a shovel and throw me in a hole. Or I'd like to be strapped with dynamite, thrown into an empty field and blown up. I don't need the pomp or the circumstance. As the Blood Brothers put it so succinctly on their current album Young Machetes, "Death's just death no matter how you dress it up."

A vile vanishing point

2006-11-15T15:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is just wrong. As a rule of thumb, I'm not much into the martini craze anyway... but no. NO.

I'm sorry, there's no debating this. Anyone who values alcohol, who understands the state of exaltion that can come from consuming a fine wine, beer or spirit, would refrain from ever even thinking this combination, let alone sampling it. Even Bukoff doesn't deserve a fate like this. The man who dreamed that up is a demon and should be dealt with accordingly.

Latest proof that Kyle Smith is a moron

2006-11-15T14:25:00.000-05:00

Kyle Smith, would-be critic for the New York Post, is without question one of the snidest, least insightful, all-around-worst film critics in America. Even by the low, low standards I keep for the Post (V.A. Musetto is generally worth reading, but nobody else), Smith is an embarassment. I thought his review of Basic Instinct 2, a snotty Rex-Reed-style bitchfest that took up seven paragraphs calling Sharon Stone old, would be his nadir for the year. Then he tackled Fur, criticizing it for its lack of veracity with this howler:

"This movie has little to do with the actual Diane Arbus. Not only did she not fall for a Wookiee and steal his life and ideas - Arbus, who committed suicide in 1971, was known for her portraits of freaks - but Lionel didn't exist."

I suppose Mr. Smith missed the word 'Imaginary' in the film's subtitle.

Serendipity and Crispin Glover

2006-11-13T16:57:00.000-05:00

Despite the affirmation in the previous post, I did indeed miss What Is It? For one thing, I didn't realize until this past Thursday that I'd read the calendar wrong and the screening was this Sunday and not December 17th. Lord knows how I mixed that up. At any rate, I went to buy tickets online (a rare thing for Anthology Film Archives to offer) Friday evening, only to find that none were available. Hope springs eternal, and I trundled off into NYC Sunday afternoon anyway.

The screening and related slideshow, Q&A, etc. started at 7 PM. I arrived at 5 PM, putting me second on the standby line. I thought I saw MD'A while I was standing in line, though a look at his screening log says he wasn't there; I did, however, catch a glimpse of Crispin Glover waltzing into the Anthology, umbrella in hand. Two hours later, with sore knees and chilly hands, the people in the standby line are informed that, sorry, no available seats. I cursed, shrugged and headed inside to purchase a ticket for Robert Frank's Me and My Brother instead. The change of plans left me with some time to kill before my train, so I went beer browsing, looking for any unusal or interesting stuff to jump out at me.

I grabbed a Goose Island Matilda for the train ride home and then wandered around the Lower East side for an hour. One place had Rogue Dad's Little Helper Malt Liquor (anybody had this? any good?), which I came close to buying, but something told me to hold out a little longer. At 9:58, two minutes before closing time, I drifted into the Whole Foods in Union Square and beelined towards the beer. There, sitting on the shelf like it had been waiting for me the whole time, was the thing I knew in my heart of hearts I'd been searching for the whole time: Stone '06 Vertical Epic Ale. Three twenty-two ounce bottles was all they had, so I up & cleaned 'em out, panting like a junkie the whole way to the counter.

Finding those made the whole night worth it. And, had I made the Glover screening, I wouldn't have found the Stone, as the shebang didn't get out until well after 10. Ain't it nice when one thwarted opportunity leads to an even more interesting one?

The downside of NYC cinephilia

2006-11-06T13:06:00.000-05:00

There's just too much to take in. Seriously.

I've realized this many a time before, but it's only become more prevalent with my increasing interest in repertory screenings. The latest scheduling headache, of course, stems from my obsession with catching Rivette's elusive Out 1. Turns out I'll be able to make the Museum of the Moving Image's two-day, one-shot screening after all. Too bad that doing so, I realized last night, means that I'll have to skip the Anthology Film Archives' screenings of Brakhage's Text of Light and Tony Conrad's The Flicker. (Not to mention Bruce Conner's Report and A Movie, both of which I've already seen but would love to catch on the big screen.) Poop. At least I can console myself by reasoning that the films screening at the Anthology are part of the Essential Cinema series, so they'll likely roll around again, while Out 1 may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

But there's no damn way I'm gonna miss Crispin Hellion Glover's What Is It? on the 17th.

Quote of the day

2006-10-26T13:05:00.000-04:00

"it's a weird focus. at one point in the deeper pit of "meaning of life" hell i remember dragging myself around to get groceries at 3 in the morning and the checkout girl says "hi how are you?" and i say "hello" and she says "here you go, have a nice night", and i suddenly can't remember the words for "goodbye" or "thanks" anymore and hear myself saying "hello" again as i leave."

-- Don Hertzfeldt talking to David Lowry about the intensity of his work process. The whole interview is excellent, honestly, but that passage jumped out at me. (Via Girish.)

The joy of irony #2

2006-10-26T12:51:00.000-04:00

I'm not an enthusiast or anything, but I have been becoming increasingly fond of karaoke. Some family members and I went out to a local place to go perform some karaoke last night; as I've become more comfortable with the performance aspect (shaky voice be damned), I got up and sang four tunes. The last of these was "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright," but the company putting it on didn't have the Dylan version, only an Eric Clapton cover version I'd never heard before. I figured I'd give it a spin anyway; turns out it was a more uptempo, bluesy version with a more drawn-out call-and-response structure. I still nailed it pretty well, I think, but that's not the noteworthy part. Here's what struck me: As I'm singing, an older couple gets into the rhythm, gets out of their chairs and starts romantically waltzing to the tune. Good for them, I guess, but I never really thought of "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" as a slowdance song. Something about lines like, "Goodbye's too good a word for you, babe, so I'll just say fare thee well," don't really make me want to dance with my lady. But maybe that's just me.

I also tore into Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name," thereby blowing out my voice for the next day or two, but that's something else. Now if only someone out there will put "Bombs Over Baghdad" in their karaoke catalog...

Closed captioning: A heretofore-unacknowledged peril of fame

2006-10-24T14:02:00.000-04:00

Hey, remember that nothing news story a couple weeks back about Charlie Sheen becoming the highest-paid sitcom star on TV for that obnoxious show he does? You know, the one with That Weedy Geek from the '80s and The Other, Now-Unexpectedly-Mega-Lustworthy Chick from Heavenly Creatures?

That story, believe it or not, opened my eyes to Ray Romano's secret life as a sexual terrorist. No, really.

Here's what happened: I was waiting for lunch and The Fox News Channel was on a nearby telly, sound off and closed-captions on. (This, of course, is the only circumstances under which I'll even glance at Fox News.) They're doing a quick rundown of this who-gives story and talking about how Sheen's big payday still doesn't put him among the ranks of the dudes from "Friends" or Ray Romano at the height of their respective shows' popularity. The closed captioning mangled all the proper names, as it tends to do. What I didn't expect was the editorial message that came along with Romano's name -- his moniker came out as RAY RAPE OR MONO.

Who knew Ray was such a mean guy? "Either you let me rape you, or I'm gonna infect you with mono. That's how it is, baby. Choose wisely." All things considered, I think I'd go with the mono. At least it's not the syph.

The joy of irony

2006-10-23T17:03:00.000-04:00

I saw a personalized license plate on the highway the other day that amused me. Apparently, the driver of the vehicle, a woman, wanted her opinion on the relative intelligence of men and women to be known to all. And she'd decided to use her plate as a forum for this. What amused me was the combination of letters she came up with. Here's the plate:

WMNRSMTR

In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "I am so smart! S-M-A-T!"

Radio silence

2006-10-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

Some of you may have noticed a distinct lack of activity on my part, both here and at The OCE. Um.... sorry about that. Part of it is attributable to the half-dozen reviews that I have to write for Blogcritics and haven't (if any PR people are reading this, I'm sorry... please don't be pissed off at me), and part of it is because I've been both working more than usual and socializing more than usual. But there's another aspect: I really haven't had much to say lately. Oh well, what the hell...

I'll wander back eventually, promise.

Latest entry in the SFW Folder

2006-09-09T13:04:00.000-04:00

I am constantly amazed by the stupid crap that people on the Internet will find time about which to give a shit. Are we as a culture so thoroughly bored that viral marketing on Myspace is something over which to obsess? Even worse, this obsession is then worth a full-page article in the L.A. Times?

More and more, I just want to opt out of the prevailing popular culture.

Thoughts on Trailers #3 (Seen during Beerfest)

2006-09-09T11:34:00.000-04:00

- Judging from the trailer for The Departed, looks like Marty did right by Infernal Affairs. I'm proud to say I correctly predicted which of the moles would be played by Damon & DiCaprio. (Not that it was difficult, but still.) I can't wait for this one.

- I also can't wait for The Fountain, even as part of me suspects it'll be like an arthouse Michael Bay movie -- all surface, no stickum. At the very least, the visuals promise to be mind-blowing.

- Let's Go to Prison should by all rights be the funniest thing ever. I wasn't a fan of Bob Odenkirk's last film (the smarmy prickfest of Melvin Goes to Dinner), but this looks like top-drawer stuff. ("Well, it... uh... it kinda looked like it was a Q.")

- I'm so glad The Protector is finally coming out. That means I can stop seeing the damn trailer, which has played in front of almost every film I've seen at Loews in the last two months.

- Then, of course, there's Jackass: Number Two. Back in June, Dennis Cozzalio posted a beautiful evocation of the warring impulses that must take place inside any serious film fan (like myself) that secretly looks forward to watching Knoxville and Co. abuse themselves yet again. What else can I add to that other than I'll be in line that weekend with bells on?

Simple pleasures... sort of

2006-09-09T11:03:00.000-04:00

Last night, I got to experience something rare and wonderful: I heartily enjoyed a Westvleteren 12. I know my possession of it wasn't exactly kosher, being that I didn't buy it from the abbey (though looking at the prices, I wish I had)... but goddamn. When a beer is that damn good, I'm willing to bend a few rules. I now have a damn good reason to make a pilgrimage to Belgium.

The timing was great, too -- it'd been a shit day at work, so what better to help me unwind and improve my mood than drinking The Best Beer in the World while watching Bresson's A Man Escaped? After that, I watched Lessons of Darkness while quaffing a St. Bernardus 12, which is pretty similar to the Westvleteren except you can actually buy it in this country -- it's a slight step below, but it's a perfectly viable substitute. Then I watched Bruce Conner's Report. Again. It was a real highbrow evening, apparently.

From the Archives #1

2006-09-05T19:36:00.000-04:00

(First posted on The OCE on 8/12/02.)

I found this quote in a review over at Teleport City, a neat site with lots of lengthy reviews of cheezeball movies nobody's ever heard of (like the Swedish action film War Dogs, the review from whence this came). It's a great bit of writing. I can relate to the concept it offers.

"The good thing about this hobby is that no matter how deep you get into it, you're really never going to do more than scratch the surface. Just when you are patting yourself on the back for having see the Filipino musical version of Batman, you find out about the Turkish rip-off of Star Trek. And just when you find that, someone comes along and mentions Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power to you. It's like playing Space Invaders. No matter how long you play, no matter how good you are, there's always more waves of space invaders to face. You'll never finish the game, because there is no finish to it. The game is in the playing; not in the completion. So, too, is the eternal quest for obscure films and endless journey into the darkest corners of the world's video vaults. You start feeling all bad-ass because you've developed a keen knowledge of Italian Road Warrior rip-off films from the 1980s, and then you meet someone who is going, 'What? You aren't familiar with Filipino midget spy films? You plebe!' While it's frustrating, it's also nice to know that we're never going to run out of this stuff no matter how much we watch."

Amen, brother.

A bizarre fact about me that requires some explanation

2006-09-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

Last year, I slept on the couch because my cat was on my bed.

Dumb Question of the Week - 9/1

2006-09-02T23:46:00.000-04:00

"I'm looking for a wine. It's red French wine and it's really smooth and it's from 1997. Do you know which one that is?"

Where my cynicism comes from

2006-09-02T23:45:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's sorrier: that I saw someone today wearing a sweatshirt proudly trumpeting the CRUSDADERS or that I had to explain to a coworker why that was amusing me so.

I hug you, local college radio!

2006-08-28T13:50:00.000-04:00

Ever since getting the CD player in my car, I've essentially stopped listening to the radio. I do still listen to WestConn's on-campus radio station occasionally, simply because they play some damn good music. I flipped it on last night because I enjoy listening to the '90s Mixtape, and what's on? "Super Coming" by Boredoms. I nearly shat myself in surprise. Even as eclectic as WXCI is, I wouldn't have expected them to ever whip out that particular twelve-minute psychedelic Japanoise raveup.

There's no point to this story, but I just had to share. Partially because I love me some Boredoms and partially because I love me some WXCI. Now, if only they had someone around during the day to tell you what songs were being played...

Fun with fancy bottles

2006-08-26T18:32:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's because I'm not a stoner or anything, but a bong is totally not what I think of when I look at this bottle.

If that it meant to represent a bong, that kinda throws a new dimension on the whole stoner subculture. I mean, I know it's all essentially oral fixations anyway, but still...

Um. Ew.

2006-08-23T17:24:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've heard of recalling auto parts, but this is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. Jumping Jesus. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I [heart] NY

2006-08-23T15:23:00.000-04:00

Well, damn.

As if I didn't need enough reasons to want to live in New York City, apparently the city is also teeming with hot blond virgin females who are looking to lose their maidenhead and are willing to advertise in major magazines about said fact.

Okay, maybe 'teeming' is a strong word, but there's at least one such example roaming around NYC. Does stuff like this happen in other cities?

JT strikes again

2006-08-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany last night:

Jeanne Tripplehorn is a demon.

No, seriously. She's the first actress I can ever remember hating for the sheer fact that everything she touches turns to shite. I liked The Firm when I saw it, but I was 13 and not yet aware that John Grisham was a purveyor of junk, and her role was inconsequential. And when I saw Basic Instinct and despised it despite its heaps 'n' heaps of sex which you think would appeal to a horny teenager, I chalked it up to a flash of contrarianism.

Little did I know that it was all the fault of Ms. Tripplehorn.

Then she did Waterworld. 'Til There Was You. Office Killer. Sliding Doors. By the time she showed up in a small role as Christian Slater's wife in Very Bad Things, I understood that her role in life was to take films with promise and destroy them through her mere presence.

But I didn't know how far her insidious influence stretched until last night. See, I finally picked up the "Complete Mr. Show" box set, so I'm watching the second season and laughing my ass off. I come to the episode 'The Biggest Failure in Broadway History,' which is great save for the "Jeepers Creepers" musical sketch. I've always believed that said sketch is the least funny thing ever to be included in an episode of "Mr. Show," and I always figured my disappreciation of it was predicated on the fact that I have zero familiarity with Jesus Christ Superstar. But as I'm watching it last night and shrugging through it like I always did when it played on HBO, I realize the truth -- that's Jeanne goddamn Tripplehorn who gets a singing cameo midway through the sketch.

Jeanne Tripplehorn: So evil she can suck the humor out of "Mr. Show." What other proof of her satanic nature is needed?

Thoughts on Trailers #2 (Seen during Talladega Nights)

2006-08-17T11:16:00.000-04:00

- None. The bastards at AMC Loews started the film fifteen minutes late, so to compensate for the lost time they cut off the trailers and commercials. Which means I probably lost out on a chance to see the Borat trailer. Bastards.

Thoughts on Trailers #1 (Seen during Pulse)

2006-08-17T10:53:00.000-04:00

- I'm not a Brian de Palma superfan or anything, but Jesus Christ The Black Dahlia looks great. I'm banking on your film to help rescue this year, Brian. Don't let me down.

- Judging from this clip, Neil Labute completely missed the fact that The Wicker Man was a black comedy. Not that I'm surprised. Also, is it just me or has Nicolas Cage undergone the same Scotchgard process that Brandon Routh did prior to "Superman Returns"?

- We live in a country where the latest films by Rivette, Rohmer and Resnais get shunted directly to video and the new Tsai can't find a distributor despite, by all accounts, containing lots and lots of sex. Yet this motherfucking David DeCoteau-wannabe shitheap gets a big theatrical release. Weep, cinephiles, weep!

- I know School for Scoundrels is gonna suck. But I can't resist the Billy Bob.

Snide Political Observation

2006-08-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

Now that Ned Lamont has beaten Joe Lieberman in the primary, will we finally get to find out what Lamont believes in? (Other than his hatred for Lieberman, of course.)

Hubris and Hackdom

2006-08-10T15:07:00.000-04:00

Demonstrating that he has far exceeded his station in life as outlined by the Peter Principle, Brett Ratner has apparently decided that, at some point, he's gonna remake Casavettes's "The Killing of a Chinese Bookie."

I'm not fucking joking. Here's an excerpt from an interview:

Q: Do you have a smaller movie waiting?

Ratner: A small movie. Not as small as this [The Grand]! I have a movie. I would like to remake The Killing of a Chinese Bookie.

Q: That’s very ballsy. Remaking Cassavetes.

Ratner: Ballsy? Come on, Paul Thomas Anderson said he’ll personally put a bullet in my head. It’s the greatest movie ever made to him. The problem is that nobody’s seen it except for cinephiles. It never got a release in the United States – I think it played for one day and Cassavetes pulled it because it got bad reviews. It only came out in France. It’s a cult film and it’s a flawed movie. I think it’s a brilliant movie, tonally it’s brilliant, but I’m not remaking Psycho. Come on.

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... So. Yeah. You can check the whole interview here, but doing so is only recommended for those with strong stomachs. This guy's so full of himself it's sick.

(Thanks, by the way, to Andrew Bemis for posting about this interview in the first place.)

Fun with the NY Times

2006-08-10T14:40:00.000-04:00

Of all the things I've read in life, fewer amused me more than the staid Paper of Record attempting to explain what a badonkadonk is.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney says that a vote for Ned Lamont is a vote for terrorism.