Closed captioning: A heretofore-unacknowledged peril of fame

Hey, remember that nothing news story a couple weeks back about Charlie Sheen becoming the highest-paid sitcom star on TV for that obnoxious show he does? You know, the one with That Weedy Geek from the '80s and The Other, Now-Unexpectedly-Mega-Lustworthy Chick from Heavenly Creatures?

That story, believe it or not, opened my eyes to Ray Romano's secret life as a sexual terrorist. No, really.

Here's what happened: I was waiting for lunch and The Fox News Channel was on a nearby telly, sound off and closed-captions on. (This, of course, is the only circumstances under which I'll even glance at Fox News.) They're doing a quick rundown of this who-gives story and talking about how Sheen's big payday still doesn't put him among the ranks of the dudes from "Friends" or Ray Romano at the height of their respective shows' popularity. The closed captioning mangled all the proper names, as it tends to do. What I didn't expect was the editorial message that came along with Romano's name -- his moniker came out as RAY RAPE OR MONO.

Who knew Ray was such a mean guy? "Either you let me rape you, or I'm gonna infect you with mono. That's how it is, baby. Choose wisely." All things considered, I think I'd go with the mono. At least it's not the syph.